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An acorn walks into a bar, orders a pint of Growmore, pours it over himself then ups and leafs.

Three pieces of string decide to go on a pub crawl only to find their kind is not welcome down town. After several failed attempts to get drinks they manage to get seated in the corner of a dingy, rough dive without anyone noticing.
“Right” says one of them “I’ve got a plan. I’m going to disguise myself and go and get a round”
With help from his mates he twists himself up and around in a sort of tangled loop so he’s bent out of shape and barely recognisable as the tall, slim fellow he once was. Just to be sure he unravels his tips, spreading his fibres this way and that so he looks just as scruffy as the rest of the patrons of the seedy joint.
“Brilliant” say his mates “ Let the evening begin!”
With a drunken swagger he lurches you the bar and, brimming with confidence, orders a round.
The barman hesitates, looks him up and down and, leaning forward with a mistrusting squint asks the killer question.
“Are you a piece of string?”
“No” the string replies “I’m afraid not”

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Apples poop?

He (the actual one, not that driver) used to sell us ice creams from his dads van.

Infant-minded lads in their slammed, drainpiped , motors stepping on the loud pedal when they eye somebody eyeing them. Look, sonny. We just happened to glance in your direction at nothing in particular. We didn’t take a look cos we are impressed and we certainly ain’t more impressed-er. What could have been mild but fair appreciation of the talents of the employees of the local body-shop has been ruined by your attempts to out-do the trombone/kazoo section of the Royal Philharmonic.
Oh, and take that sulky look off your face and your stupid rigid arm off the top of the steering wheel while you’re at it.

Superb. Excellent drafting and interpretation of light and shade on what is, in its entirety, a pale subject.

Microwaves are banned on restaurants of ferries crossing the North Sea. When switched on to full power the position of all the Russian submarines in a 10 mile radius are visible on the door glass triggering widespread demand for indigestion remedies and a halt on sales of duty-free vodka.

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Pigeons can be trained to defend your home and are effective from all known intruders. Training of the birds has to begin when they babies which is why so very few are employed in the role.

Very this. Why the hell should I have to sell my virtual soul before you will tell me how much postage is, you parasites? I want to buy that product not a load of totally unrelated emailed shite for the rest of my digital life.

Biblical cheese references go right back to Edam and Eve.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Wellthatsucks/comments/hpt47q/oops/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

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Every Where’s Wally illustration also contains Lord Lucan, Amelia Earhart, Glen Miller and the Holy Grail.

Dave Brailsford was asked if properly prepared amateur riders could achieve what his team has and he refuted the claim saying that it was all down to fit pro marginals.

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Doggie itchings

Update installations/line speed tests/troubleshooting scans that click progressively up to 99% done then sit like that for what seems like the rest of eternity.

This thread has been locked by the moderators and we are all being observed and experimented on by The Mice.