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Ha. I'll litchi off with that one.

I hope olive another day to keep making these shit puns.

I've had more apple-peeling puns in the past, so don't judge me so harshly.

Berry poor.

It wasn't grape, was it.

All these bad fruit puns are driving me bananas.

I've accidentally flobbed on myself whilst riding. Pretty embarrassing, all gloopy and hanging from my handlebars. Yeah, yeah, I meant to do that, innit.

I've also been spat on (accidentally a few times by other cyclists as I've overtaken them). The last time I was behind this fat chap who blew snot from both his nostrils, one after the other, but the winter-morning sun was so low in the sky that I saw the entire 'cloud of snot' - which I then rode through. It fell on me as a fine mist.

I had to wash myself with fire to feel clean again.

It's like something that would only happen to Mark Corrigan.

RPM's right; you could have had him scolded for £100 in the right pocket. But, you live you learn and all that. Unless you anthraxed the cash.

Madness. Fair enough you didn't know what sort of a guy you were dealing with, but I'd be so angry I don't think I'd care. I'd smash his face in and then do that gangster thing where you tuck the full £250 into his toothless mouth as he lies bleeding and broken on the pavement.

So you have his number? You know what he looks like? You have his home address? Email?

Please pass it on to this public forum.

31trum - shepards bush/acton vale
50/14 - Parsons Green
AndyW - Putney
Anthony (wolfenger)- Twickenham
Backwardation - Notting Hill
Big Daddy Wayne - Putney
brett - work Chiswick (so in the area a lot!)
chatters - West Ealing
crankenstein- West Ealing (work in h'smith half the month, half in soho)
Cornelius Blackfoot - Stockwell/ work in the bush, shepherds bush
dancing james - Kew
dante - Twickenham
dominiclincoln - Northolt
Donut - West Ken
essbee - South Ealing
Eyebrows- Putney (if you ever spot me I'll be very excited)
fib-Fulham (work)
hamster - Southfields
hippy - West Ealing
JimmyP - Chiswick
Joelounge - Grove Park, Chiswick
kipsy - Richmond
Mini..Cooper - Putney
Mouse - 'Brackenbury Village' (AKA behind Secrets) as of Thurs!
MrSmith - Tootin'
nimhbus - Barnes
nv55 - Isleworth
pigfarmer - Fulham
provenrad - Shepherds Bush
Roberto - Stockwell
RPM - Bloody Tootin' Innit!
Scrapper - Kensel Green
Slamm - Barnes no more.
Tarka the otter - streatham
VelocityBoy - Kew Bridge
Dov - Acton
edscoble - Wimbledon
clefty - Colliers Wood
Vinylvillain - Fulham
BigFatAl - Ashford, wrk in Chiswick
moog - Uxbridge
Elguapo - Suxbridge
damo - Tooting
Ved - Richmond

I only get hot women throwing themselves at me when they see me ride.

And stones. I've had stones thrown at me by feral children.

Should do the trick.

Just get one of those new inflatable bikes. Problem solved. Duh.

Speak to the local copshop and they will very likely do some surveillance. I dunno where you live, but something similar happened to me in Islington a few years back, and the cops did a proper stakeout and made arrests. Reporting suspicious activity is quite normal...and I fucking loathe bike thieves.

Or go in there with a flame-thrower and mash up some shit. Up to you.

There was a guy a few years back that wasn't allowed his bike on the train or tube, so he asked if there was a size limit on a 'package' you can take on board. The reply was 'no' so he literally just wrapped his bike in paper and they let him on. True!

also:

1ce

A sad day indeed. I never thought I'd ever see that.

...at the moment, bad drivers get a way with near misses.

In the oil and gas industries (and soon on-shore construction) they have a new policy of gathering intelligence on 'near misses' (they ordinarily went unreported) but near misses eventually lead to 'direct hits' and that's when we see fatalities or serious accidents.

By clamping down on near misses (often a result of poor H&S culture or someone being a wanker) reporting them and altering the culture that leads to them, actual accident rates drop massively. In fact, in the oil and gas sector they have a website in which they are reported, based on a voluntary system.

I understand roads are infinitley more complex than the O&G industry...but it might be useful to see how other people report and approach this sort of thing without the use of the police/HSE etc.

I think businesses should be targeted more heavily about their drivers too...and I know that recently the law was changed to make the employer more responsible/accountable for their staff when it comes to driving.

From one donut to another...I'm glad you're not hurt. Too bad about your frame.

A friend of mine made a film using only CCTV footage that she got through the
Freedom of Information Act. They had to make every single person unrecognizable
except her. But they have to do it.

no wonder DFP has to wait weeks...

Does anybody have any advice?

Start wearing a camera on your helmet*...

*The bike one, not your bathing suit one.

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii just momentarily just forgot to take my finger of the keyboard. Life lesson.

I'd get some stabilisers and arm bands for future rides.

He's quite big.

I like being kicked in the balls.

I'm going to capture him with a harpoon and mount his head above my fireplace. People will journey from distant lands just to hear me tell my tale of courage and daring.

I heard he never sleeps and lives in a cave on the side of the Thames. Or somin.

If this happened to me, I'd sit and wait and when the thief/retard came back I'd take a shit on their head and then lock them to the railings with a mini-d-lock round the neck.

Cut the fucker loose asap dude, or you're gonna lose it.

I rode my mate's racer on Friday (after a few Deliriums) and I ended up going over the handlebars as I forget how breaks work and panicked a bit. Bit of a spaz thing to do, but it was horrible not riding fixed. Free-wheeling basically feels like time wasted to me.