Where do you play, Lord's?
Our tea equals a can (special brew for the older members, lager for the more respectable) and a fag/spliff. Supermalt if you're in form and reckon you fancy the look of the oppo.
The 'clubhouse' is usually a nearby tree that can double as a toilet and partial roof when rain stops play.
Apparently only about 3 players 'know how to score' too. As one of those 3, i can assure you that £2.50 payment and a free drink is the stuff of impossible dreams. If you want to be relieved from your umpiring stint then you have to just walk off the pitch and force the issue otherwise you will be out there for 40 overs.