Against my better judgement I am intrigued by this story.
In my youth I worked in the car trade 'spiving up' old cars : I hope the meaning of spiving up is understandable to young readers - if it isn't let me know, but in the meanwhile, just think Arthur Daley.
Later on I worked in industrial finishing ( stove enamelling and powder coating). So I have often had to deal with problems like this ( the car, not the insurance). In between times I was a law student and I now live with a retired lawyer, so I think I can see both sides of this problem.
One bad problem for Velocio, as I understand things, is that while he should be entitled to a replacement car, there is no compensation for the large financial loss caused by being deprived of a nearly new car. I guess this must be at least £200 per week in depreciation of the car, just in time alone; so I feel he should be looking for a way to balance things up .
As Howard says above, it's possible that the problem is that no one knows how to deal with the damage which on one level is relatively trivial, but on another could see an almost new car written off. If the car is really written off that would seem to be a major triumph for stupidity.
I'm not volunteering physical help here, but I can't believe that given a couple of days I couldn't get this car into some kind of presentable state. Maybe not pristine, but usable. I'm sure there are plenty of keen young guys who would be better able than me to put some elbow grease into this problem (for cash obvs).
So, reverting to my lawyers hat, I suggest you get as much publicity in the mainstream media as possible, and then get the car written off. Buy it back at the minimum price and then get someone like me (but younger and not me) to sort it out. This way you could come out many thousands better off.