Jokes / Joke du jour!

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  • A dolphin expert friend of mine has opened a camping shop . They've named it
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    For all in tents and porpoises

  • A friend of mine can't decide whether to do their PhD on scatology or coprology
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    They're caught between two stools

  • Man is walking around looking for some lunch and he spots a food truck. He sees the beautiful woman serving and decides to check out the menu.
    Cheeseburgers £5
    Chips £2
    Handjobs £10
    “Are you the one who gives the handjobs?” He asks.
    “Of course!” She replies enthusiastically.
    He slides a tenner over the counter.
    “Well wash your hands then, I’ll have 2 cheeseburgers”

  • Some favourite punchlines of mine:
    You fuck one sheep
    It's not a lion it's a giraffe
    Don't mess with him, he's a cycle path

  • It's not a lion it's a giraffe

    Classic

  • Don't mess with him, he's a cycle path

    See also "Don't mess with him, he's menthol"

  • Yes! That's the other one!
    I'd forgotten.

  • An acne treatment sales person friend of mine has broken lockdown rules
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    They've been issued with an on the spot fine

  • I ate so much eggs benedict while I was in Amsterdam that I just refer to that period as my Holland days.

  • My girlfriend left me because she said I'm obsessed with crosswords but I'm trying not to be two down about it

  • What do dad jokes and a certain snack food have in common?

    Once you’re Pop, you just can’t stop.

    Erm. I’ll get back to the Teams management protocol meeting now.
    Sorry.

  • Very good

  • whats the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?, one takes thing, literally, and one takes things, literally

  • A friend of mine has taught their dog to do magic tricks

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    It's a Labracadabrador

  • A friend of mine has just written f off on their plaster cast
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    They've added insult to injury

  • I can't tell if your quality is improving or I'm just getting more into your style.

  • I went to the pet shop today to buy a goldfish.
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    The owner asked if I wanted an aquarium ?
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    I said I don't mind what star sign it is

  • Jamie: It's my favourite part of the day, JAHtim's joke

  • You have one too many commas in that. "One takes things literally and the other takes things, literally."

  • I invited a chess champion friend of mine for dinner last night and made the mistake of using a checked tablecloth
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    It took over 5 mins to pass the salt

  • That feeling at the airport baggage carousel when everyone else’s luggage is better than yours

    Worst case scenario

    Pinched off a podcast

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Jokes / Joke du jour!

Posted by Avatar for Pistanator @Pistanator

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