Jokes / Joke du jour!

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  • How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?... one... but the lightbulb has to want to change.

  • How many lead guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    One Hundred. One does it and the other ninety-nine sit around and go 'Huh, I could do that better...'

  • How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Two, one to twist the bulb and one to hold the step-mother, er, ladder.

  • More band jokes...

    How do you know the drummer has arrived? The knocking gets faster.

    An anthropologist visits a long lost tribe in the middle of a jungle, and the tribe seem to have a drum playing constantly. After three days of constant drumming, the anthropologist asks "Why the drumming?". The chief replies "If the drums stop, a very bad thing happens.......

    ....bass solo!".

  • "Vat iz your name?"
    (SLAP)
    "Ahhh!"
    (GASP)
    "Vat iz your rank?"
    (SLAP)
    "Argg!"
    (GASP)
    "Vat iz your mission?"
    (SLAP)
    "Nyrggg!!"
    (GASP)
    "Vill you ztop hitting me ven I am azking you zees kvestions!"

  • The knocking gets faster.

    lmao

  • How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

    It's a new number, you probably haven't heard of it yet.

  • I was reminded of one of my old faves the other day...

    'Old macdonald had Tourette's ,
    Fuck, shit, Cunt, shit waaaank'

    Needs to be sung...

  • Q. What should you do if your nose goes on strike?
    A. Pick it.

  • Bloke walks into a pub with his dog which dumps on the floor without him noticing. Little guy walks in next, slips on the turd and ends up in a heap by the bar. As he picks himself up a big guy does the same. Little guy says to the big one "I just did that" And wakes up in hospital.

  • Probably the ultimate chat up line... what's the difference between jam and marmalade. I can't marmalade a cock up your ass.

  • Best joke in a looooong time! #respect

    Bloke walks into a pub with his dog which dumps on the floor without him noticing. Little guy walks in next, slips on the turd and ends up in a heap by the bar. As he picks himself up a big guy does the same. Little guy says to the big one "I just did that" And wakes up in hospital.

  • Yeh. That would work I'm sure. Look out for this response...

    What's the difference between squash and cordial?

    I can't cordial your balls between 2 house bricks.

  • I hear wedding bells already...

  • How many lead singers does it take to change a lightbulb...?

    1 to hold the bulb, then the world just revolves around them.

  • 2007 called.

    It's always 2007 in LFGSS. Wanna buy an aerospoke?

  • "So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn't make the sound of a coconut”

    Ken Dodd

  • Regarding his famous tax fraud trial: Ken Dodd told the Inland Revenue he didn’t owe them a penny because he lived near the seaside.

    RIP Genius

  • Jimmy Carr must be taking comfort from all this.

  • I bought a really terrible thesaurus yesterday, it’s terrible.

  • I bought a thesaurus today, when I opened it, the pages were entirely blank.

    I have no words to describe how angry I am.

  • First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club.

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Jokes / Joke du jour!

Posted by Avatar for Pistanator @Pistanator

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