Nothing ... just pipe dreams.
There are a few things around that need a battery change once a year, seems like a small price to pay, put the tracker somewhere inside a tube...
Going by economies of scale, is it not cheaper to use a dog/pet tracker?
Get yourself a £42 'POSH MicroX S240' Android phone (supposedly the smallest in the world), stick a "find my phone" app on it, get rid of all the battery-draining apps and bloatware running in the background, give it a good charge, then conceal it beneath the saddle, or a hidden compartment in a saddle bag. I used to do it with my old HTC Salsa and it did work. I'd leave my bike at a friends place over night and I was then able to pinpoint the bike to my friends address from the other side of town.
Friend got another bike stolen and asked about GPS trackers. Anything new and decent out there with long battery life and cheap?
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