Wasps

**Guinea Pigs - Incest

**When my sister and I were eight we got given a guinea pig each, Scruffy and Poppy. It was all very exciting; we let them live in a tool shed at the top of the garden and in the day they ran free around the garden since they were too stupid to run off. Being male and female, and guinea pigs, Scruffy and Poppy quickly started a deeply sexual relationship that resulted in many further guinea pigs. And so the children of Scruffy and Poppy began their own families, and I suspect that Scruffy got a bit of that action too. He looked pretty relaxed most of the time.

Breeding from a limited genepool has inevitable consequences. One year later on the very same day that Scruffy and Poppy arrived, there was a terrible electrical storm in the middle of the night. The young ocdc was woken by great flashes of lightning and rain cascading down the window. Looking out back I noticed with alarm that the door to the shed was banging violently in the howling wind. I grabbed my nightcap and candlestick and made my way out in one of Dad's coats, struggling through the storm.

At the top of the garden, on the floor of the terrible shed all the guinea pigs were circled in fear looking at the monstrosity before us. The beast was born.

It was basically a normal guinea pig, but with two major flaws. One eye was substantially larger than the other. And unfortunately, instead of two back legs it just tapered into a kind of useless rear flipper that it dragged about.

My mum gravely told us that the retarded child would have to be put down. Being a no-nonsense, practical type of woman, she also told us that we, my sister and I, would have to kill it. It is important to learn how to dispatch an animal in pain, runs the logic of the country.

We felt the best way to do it would be to drop something on it and let gravity be the killer. We thought about a rock, but then we'd have to move the rock and witness the squashed victim beneath. Eventually we settled on an old pillow case and a scaffolding plank. That way we could deposit the neatly bloodied bag in the bin and forget all about it.

I placed the retard in his killing sack. The marble sized eye peered up at me happily. My sister handed me the execution plank. We both had our eyes closed. The plank landed squarely upon its victim. When we gingerly moved it, there was movement from within! The beast was invincible! This was a heavy plank, too.

So, in tears, we took the creature inside to mum, explaining that we couldn't do the deed. She told us that the best way to do it would be to poison it, and proceeded to feed it so much brandy that it basically got pissed to death.