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@tom.
I want it (having lost one), so here goes:
I'm bringing up the rear as I coming up to the Champs Elysee on my fix, when suddenly a mime jumps out with a mirror and a sack of cocaine. Suddenly, half the pro-teams stop for a cheeky bump, causing a pile up. The other pros then fly into a steroid induced rage and start fighting, with baguettes and strings of garlic flying left and right.
So I skid past them while doing a bar spin, crossing the finish line first. Then, a 24 year old Brigette Bardon suddenly steps out of a time machine, lezzes up with Audrey Tatou and suggests I join them.
I also get the yellow jersey (which is made by Rapha from all the puppies murdered as a result of people removing braze ons).