London Fixed-gear and Single-speed

When they no longer love you ?

For twenty years this girl was my best friend and then she was my lover

And now she is gone

She won't even speak to me

I have absolutely no idea how to handle this or what to do

How do you deal with this kind of pain without alcohol or drugs

What is a broken hearted Buddha supposed to do

damn dude

Ride.

For-
ever.

whoa. dude, do whatever it takes to get through the next week. put all of her shit in a box and put it in a closet. take her number off your phone (write it down somewhere first). keep yourself busy. hang out with mates. drink a lot if you need to. try to be a bit positive though instead of spiralling downwards.

everyone's going to say this and it won't mean shit to you right now, but with time, you'll feel better.

Wait. "Time is a great healer" wouldn't havebecome such a persistent cliche if it wasn't true.

don't hit the bottle mate, that's a path I know you truly don't want to go down.

just try and take care of your self for awhile, you never know what's going to happen in the future.

Yeah, don't let yourself fall into the drink or drugs dependancy. It all seems a little excessive, but I know through seeing many people it's not a good idea.

Best thing is work hard, ride lots, get fit; keep yourself occupied. Do things that if she found out about would make her jealous, but don't try and tell her. All you need to do is try and lift your life game. The worst thing I always found I did was imagine her doing really well in all aspects of her life and looked at myself all lonely locked away from the world. Not a good place to be.

Also try poetry.

You've spoken about, or at least alluded to, drink, etc. in the past - and how you've worked to overcome it. Don't let this throw you down that road again, seriously.

Time does help, but there's no quick route to getting over this kind of pain, which I think you know. Being around good friends/family can be a real help. Don't take any rash decisions about anything right now, just see if there are people you can be with to carry you through it for a while.

You have my sympathy, it's shit and feels so unfair. But it will be OK. Someone very close to me went through an utterly gut-wrenching split years ago. I sat with her in her kitchen one day for what felt like hours, both of us hardly saying anything. She was looking out of the window at the blossom on the trees in the garden and just turned to me and said "the next time those trees go into blossom, I know I'll be much, much better" - and she was.

I'm sorry I can't offer more, but keep off the hard stuff if you can

This is the thing - once upon the time I'd have drowned my sorrows - now I just got to suck it up and grin and bare it - the hardest part is going back and thinking about all those little signs that things weren't quite right - or the times she said something and that I didn't act on it - I guess we all get a bit complacent - I thought were going to last forever - I really thought that we were that good - I am in total shock - and the pain is just unrelenting

dude, it's not your fault -- it's no one's fault. things just happen sometimes. you couldn't have done anything differently than you did or you wouldn't be living your life. it's hard to accept, but sometimes things aren't meant to be.

go for a ride, but make sure you ride safely, just zone out and ride you will feel better.

time will heal.

This is the last thing she wrote :

I edited this because I can't leave a personnel correspondance on the interweb

+++++I think I am about to BLUB ++++++

Mate, this is horrible, really. How long ago did this happen? As previous posts have said, time will really make things better. The first few weeks are the hardest, but each week things will start to become easier.

Can you take a holiday? The time and distance away from your current situaution will help wonders.

remember what I said to you

solace will never be found in a bottle, you're much stronger than that.

hugs C x

She doesn't seem to give a reason, maybe chase her up on it, i don't think you'll find any kind of closure until you know mate. Come over to London and meet a few people who only know you thru here but really care about you and consider you a good friend.

This is just about the only public place in the world I'd share my feelings

This place has soul

I might just take you up on a offer of a trip to London

keep yourself busy

is there an activity you have wanted to try (sporting, yoga, pottery)?it will help fill your time, give you new things to occupy your mind (i loathe that whole brek up thing of ruminating as to whynd where it went wrong) and you may meet new people.

losing someone close like this makes me feel like I have been eviscerated, you have my sympathy but being a heartless forum fucker all I can offer is HTFU.

sadly it is all cliché - time is the healer, plenty of different fish in the sea but right now probably none of this helps.

as suggested earlier keep yourself busy rather than trying to understand what has happened.

I'm not being glib: go and have some uncomplicated sex with someone else. Try not to cry afterwards. Repeat this a number of times with different people. The urge to cry will lessen each time. And the biggest advantage is that eventually you'll stand a good chance of meeting someone new who you'll come to care about deeply.

Not sure about the uncomplicated sex bit. Early morning cycles and swims in what is turning out to be a fantastic London spring experiencing the city waking up (Parliament Hill is good) and realising this shit is happening all over town and its going to be all right.

See you at the top.....

experiences like this toughen and harden you up. BMMF is spot on. Dull the pain with a dilution factor of a few night stands ftw.

go on a bender and a fuckathon, not really the advice you want to hear but it made me feel better.........

The only way to get over a woman is by getting under a new one.

It's crude advice but...

Destroy as a much as you can and stay far from people who want to talk with you about the issue.

For the moment you have just forget and find new interest....it will be tough

Best thing to do is just replace her, sounds like a horrible thing to say, but just focus on going out with friends, having a good time, take up a new hobby (maybe yoga like DJ said) and meet some new friends, like everyone else has said, it's gonna suck now, but it will get better. Remember that sometime in the future you won't feel bad about this, so try not to now, it'll pass.

Take a trip, like others have said, come to London and do a fuck ton of riding and socialising with all us great fellows =D

Best of luck man.

BMMF's anwser reminds me of tales of mere existence on youtube (have a search)
It sucks in the short term, but over time not only do you heal, but you realise other people are better suited to you, and remembering all the things you disliked.
Right now, on the other hand, the focus tends to be on the things you adored and loved, so enjoy that there were those things, but do not become obsessed with them.
And riding always takes away the pain.
classic switch of emotional for physical all the way!.

Jesus Christ, it must be a British thing.

speechless

can i sleep on it?

buddha, come up to London for a few days and we'll have a little bareknuckle race like you said we would back in 2007 :) i've spoken to plenty of people who have nothing but nice things to say and about you and would love to meet you. you've got a lot of friends on here, even if you don't realize it. you're welcome to stay at mine if you want. you've got my phone number.

It's stuff like this that reminds me how great a place this forum is.

It's stuff like that that makes me think buddha has his first uncomplicated lay lined up. And lpg is well fit, init.

shit, SB, i have been in a very similar situation, i know what you re going through. be strong.













*ignore, my stupid avatar

:D

Tough story that. Have confidence though! Don't give in. As dumb as it sounds, it'll pass. There will be a point where you're fed up with being heartbroken or numb or angry ... and a bit later you'll see the spring again, maybe with some short skirts around you, who knows ... But in the meantime, don't give in. Stay strong. Don't let that shit bring you to your knees!

X very many

I just spoke to my AA sponsor - he called me at 02:30 am - he told me not to resist the pain -to acknowledge it - describe it - feel it -if you try to resist it you just make it worse

he is a man, who could well have done the same things a while ago.

this thread, reminds me of all the lovely people i have met, and want to spend time with again











but also....
SB, things always work out the way they were supposed to/meant to be.. and,if not, then it wasn't meant to be.

You are a dear - who could pass up an opportunity like that - everyone has been really nice to me tonight - I am feeling all tearful

I better go to bed before I embarrass myself

Come on murtle everyone else has gone to bed

:), i am going soon. x

80 years old - hard as nails - he has more love to share than any man I know

there ya go then

Buddha, these peeps are right. Yes. it doesn't sound right, but it is - the best way to get over an old love, is with a new one.
And yes, temporary loving is just like medicine; not really nice, but you can feel yourself getting better as time progresses.

I think everybody here has been caring, because we've all faced similar shit to this before.

EDIT:
My perspective has caused some offence, so I have edited it out. My life experiences are obviously very different to others, but I respect what others have to say.

Jesus... i hope thats wrong Ga2G.

Buddha, when you find the answers to your questions, please forward to me by PM.

Hang in dude.
T.

let's not have a debate about what woman want just now, yeah?

More important things to do on this thread.

This may not help much, but ...

Love is necessarily mutual.

It begins when both people agree that they love one another, and it ends when they disagree (and it can be hard to believe that it can end at all).

It's not possible to 'love' someone who doesn't love you.

It is of course possible, even so, to still hold a very, very strong affection for that person, but that's not love--that's just one (or several mixed together) of a variety of other feelings--longing, admiration, loneliness, intrigue, melancholia, hope, etc.--but it's not the same as love.

(Now, of course, I'm the first person to realise that 'love' is used for pretty much any interpersonal affection these days, e.g. friendship, so I'm definitely trying to set it apart from other feelings. Others may well prefer to use these words with different meanings, or disagree that love is separate in this way.)

As I say, I'm not sure this helps, but I think it may make it easier to realise that she bears just as much responsibility for it being love as you do.

I make this point partly because you can see that in her note she accepts just as much responsibility as you. However, at the same time as she attempts to absolve you of blame, she also implicitly attempts to absolve herself of blame. I don't think that is necessarily a healthy thing to try to do--as all that comes across to you in this is her seemingly being quite cool and rational about it, while you probably feel that you'll continue to blame yourself. The more likely truth is that you're probably both still blaming yourselves.

You make the clear distinction in the OP between you being friends and then being lovers, and what's happened now is that it seems you're not even friends any longer, despite having been friends for so long. That must be truly hard to bear, but there's more to it.

Have you answered her note?

You can either try to do as she is trying to come across (being cool and rational) or you can realise that while she's probably putting a brave face on it, and trying to do you good by telling you that she's not blaming you, it is at the very least unlikely that this is quite all that there is to how she feels. The former, being cool and rational, can mean that you (or she) deny your (her) own feelings (you give up hope of getting back together), and the latter (not quite believing her) can prevent a clean break (you remain undecided as to whether you might get back together), but there's no easy alternative. The actual course of events is probably going to be somewhere in between these two.

Have you tried telling her what you now really feel? It may be something you need to do before you can move on, or it may make her realise that there is hope yet.

In either case, something about that drinks thing: If you're an impulsive person who has in the past been likely to seek short-term relief in drink, then you definitely need to do something impulsive and fun and 'equivalent' to drink but less harmful. (You don't sound as if you're really thinking of doing that, but impulses can be strong. Hope your AA experience wins through!) Doing something that makes you feel alive is of course important regardless of whether or not you're getting back together.

And any fun and impulsive thing will do--it doesn't have to be a direct counter-act like sleeping around (especially not while you can't get a clean break, and you come across as sincere and dedicated, anyway). Such advice is often given just to stress that there may be more open possibilities again. (If you hadn't flagged up that you've had past alcohol problems, I'm sure some people would have suggested getting smashed off your face in order to forget.)

I hope these don't come across as abstract and pedantic points. It always has to be a bit in the abstract if you don't know the people involved.

Best of luck, even in case you won't need it!

indeed.

TSB: you don't speifically need to "get over" someone - that is to say, you don't need to forget them or the positive things that came out of that relationship. what's important is to show yourself enough love to be able to understand, and then subsequently evolve your relationship with that relationship.

practice loving kindness towards yourself, let go of your suffering, value those positive things that you gained, nourish those positive things. Acknowledge, allow, accept.

much of the advice above (running, walking, cycling, whatever) can be seen as the practice of living meditation. If they don't work then maybe try some actual meditation?

I feel for you mate.

I can offer no advice but this.

Women often want to remain friends. And they probably believe it is possible. If you play along it absolves them of any guilt they feel over hurting you.

Don't try. You are in pain and you've got to deal with it however you think best. If you do wish to become friends with her again, let her know you are going to have to go through a period of hatred for her in which you will think and probably say some very negative things about her. It is natural and healthy and necessary. And it will upset her, but she should be upset. She should feel guilty as hell - it will probably be good for her too.

yesterday I just lost the plot - I made a complete ass of myself - I am so used to turning to her when I am in pain - I had no coping mechanism for when she is the pain - so I called her when I shouldn't only for her to put the phone down on me (twice) - I left messages (four) and sent e-mails (six) and got no response - now I have been told in no uncertain words by my AA sponsor that I will definately lose her if I don't give her space - and that I just have to feel the pain and not try and resist it - the problem with being an alcoholic - is that you use alcohol to remove pain - when you can't use alcohol anymore - you don't have anyway to deal with this stuff - thats really why I asked the question - what do non alcoholic people do? - unfortunately casual sex won't help because that has never really done anything for me - nor will moving on to someone new right now - this was 'the girl' and that's why its hurts so much - I think I am just going to keep reading this thread - lead as healthy an active life as the pain will allow me - maybe one day I can revist this thread with some good news - also I better come to London - because I owe you lot a few beers - I really am indebted to you - you have helped me alot - people say it time and time again - but there is love here

God bless you x

Buddha